Emotional Intelligence
by ijustkeepswimming
Summary: A new CJ fic based on Charlie heading into counselling to tackle her commitment phobia and Joey going through something similar elsewhere. The title has nothing to do with the book - it just made sense in my head.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello, everyone! Well, as I do, I've been watching this whole counselling, commitment phobia storyline on the show and thought 'how can we bring Joey in'? I started it back when Angelo first put forward his theory that Charlie sabotaged all her relationships and was going to hold off on posting until one of my other stories finished but then figured I'd get it in while it was current. So, here goes! I hope you like it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Emotional Intelligence**

**Chapter One**

"Why have you asked to start therapy again, Charlie?"

Charlie sighed and looked from her therapist, Patricia, to the floor and back again. She shifted a little uncomfortably and wondered where to start. Patricia waited patiently for her. This was the same therapist she had seen a handful of times when everything with Grant was going on. She seemed like the safest bet if she was going to drag herself through this.

"My boyfriend and I broke up," the police officer finally said.

"And you feel bereaved?" Patricia asked.

"Yes. No. Well, sort of," Charlie said.

Her mind couldn't settle on any one thing. She supposed that was why she was in therapy in the first place. She never thought she'd ever let go enough to try and deal with every issue that had plagued her in her life.

"Which is it?" Patricia asked gently.

"I don't know," Charlie admitted.

She sighed heavily and chewed her lip.

"He told me the other day that he was perfect for me," she said. "And on the surface, he's right. He's..."

She trailed off.

"Is this is the same guy you were dating when we had our sessions before?" Patricia asked, wanting to clarify.

"Angelo," Charlie confirmed, nodding.

"And in what way do you think Angelo's perfect for you?" Patricia asked.

"Well, he's a cop," Charlie said. "We're the same age, we've both seen some pretty dark times. He's handsome and he makes me laugh. When I'm with him... we have a really good time. It was really tricky for a while because the whole town hated him but he managed to redeem himself and people like him again like they did before. It takes a pretty special person to turn that around, doesn't it?"

"It does."

Charlie nodded and ran out of steam.

"So, why did the relationship end?" Patricia probed.

"He said... he said..."

Charlie sighed, wondering if she could backtrack and leave now. She didn't want to deal with any of this.

"He said that I sabotaged all my relationships," she told her. "And he's right."

She sighed again and looked Patricia directly in the eye.

"Why do you think that is?" the therapist asked.

"I don't know. That's why I'm here, I guess."

"Because you want to resolve the issue and get back with Angelo?"

"I want to resolve the issue," Charlie confirmed.

The getting back with Angelo part, she wasn't entirely convinced of. He'd said a lot of hurtful things to her and she still thought he was being unreasonable about them moving in together. He might have been right about a lot of things but their relationship had been so turbulent from day one and she wasn't sure if she had the energy. But similarly, she wasn't sure if that was just a cop out.

"You don't want to reunite with your boyfriend?" Patricia checked.

"I've got no idea what I want," Charlie admitted.

"Why don't you take me back to what Angelo said to you," Patricia said. "Do you sabotage your relationships?"

"Well, they've all gone horribly wrong," Charlie said. "I don't know if that's all my fault or..."

"Tell me about the first relationship that went wrong," Patricia suggested.

Charlie's mind immediately flashed to Grant. No, she couldn't bear to think about him. She skipped to her second and hoped Patricia wouldn't notice.

"I was eighteen," she said. "I'd left school and gone to train. He was training to be a cop too. I was away from home and I got to be a completely new person. I liked that. We stayed together for the rest of that year and then we went off to different stations and didn't keep in touch."

"You didn't try to retain the relationship?" Patricia asked.

"No," Charlie said. "We knew from the start that..."

She sighed heavily as Angelo's words flashed into her mind about her allowing herself to be with him because she'd believed it couldn't last, that either the town or his job would eventually force him to leave Summer Bay.

"I knew it was never going to last," she said honestly. "The longest it would ever survive was the year we were training together and we didn't start dating until seven months in. I didn't love him. I didn't have any illusions that there was more to it than that. I didn't want there to be."

"Do you think that's suggestive of this pattern your ex-boyfriend has suggested?" the therapist asked.

She had immediately noted that Charlie was talking about her second relationship. The whole reason she'd come to her in the first place was because she was trying to heal from her first. She was trying to heal from the boy that had raped her. However, for now, she chose not to comment. She needed Charlie to bring it up in her own time.

"Why didn't you want a lasting relationship at that time?" she asked, wondering if it would lead Charlie to honesty. "Was it because you were young, free and single and didn't want to be tied down? Or was there another reason?"

Charlie looked at her directly, making eye contact.

"Because I was scared," she said. "Because of what happened before."

Patricia nodded.

"Did you... in the time between your first relationship and this second one... did you ever get intimate with a man again?"

Charlie shook her head. She'd felt like a freak at school. While all her friends were falling in love and losing their virginities, she was closed up, hiding away, hardening her exterior and never letting anyone get near to her. And nobody had known why.

"I couldn't," she said. "It was too scary."

"Is that why you were so eager to be away from home?" Patricia asked. "To be this new person you mention?"

Charlie nodded.

"What was it about this second man that was different?"

"He was funny," Charlie explained. "He won me over by making me laugh and allowing me to forget myself for a moment. But part of the attraction was that he was temporary."

Patricia nodded.

"What was your next relationship like?" she asked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Joey sighed and felt anxious. She didn't want to be here. She'd already done the therapy thing back in Summer Bay, on Charlie's urging, while she was trying to recover from Robbo. She wondered now, what on earth she was doing back here.

"What is that brings you here?" her new therapist Linda asked.

Joey shrugged.

"I'm trying to figure that out," she said. "I don't know what I'm trying to achieve, to be honest."

"Okay," Linda said patiently. "What event led you here? What made you make the decision?"

"My girlfriend," Joey sighed.

"Are the two of you having problems?"

Joey nodded vigorously.

"Why don't you tell me about them?" Linda suggested.

Joey reached for her water and took a long gulp. Her mouth was suddenly dry.

"She said I'm too closed off," she explained. "She told me that I don't open up and that it's hard being with me because she hardly knows who I am. She says I don't talk."

"And what do you think?"

Joey shrugged. What could she say? She'd certainly changed as a person over the last year. It was coming up to the anniversary of when her life had changed forever. Nearly a year ago, she had been raped by Robbo and she'd never been the same since. Part of wondered if she would ever recover.

"Where did you go then?" Linda asked. "You disappeared for a moment."

"I was just thinking about how different I used to be," Joey admitted.

"What changed you?"

"I was raped."

The words hung in the air. Joey sighed heavily.

"I used to be pretty care free," she said. "I used to be happy."

"But you're not happy now?"

"I try to be," Joey said. "But I don't think it's working."

"What kind of person were you before the rape, Joey?" Linda asked. "Did you open up to people?"

Joey sighed and thought back to the girl she had once been.

"Well, I didn't really have that many people to open up to," Joey admitted. "I've never exactly been a social butterfly but... yes. With the people I was close to, I was really close. I shared my heart with them."

"But you don't feel you're doing that with your current girlfriend?"

Joey shook her head.

"I want to," she said. "But I just... can't."

"Why not?"

Joey hesitated.

"Just say what comes into your mind, Joey," Linda nudged. "There's no right or wrong answer here."

Joey sighed.

"I'm afraid of getting hurt," she said. "I'm scared of being broken again."

"Again?"

"When I was recovering from the rape, I fell in love," Joey explained. "And I got my heart trampled on. I let her in and she let me down. I... I really thought she was 'the one' but she obviously wasn't. If she had been, she wouldn't have cheated on me. She wouldn't have lied to me. You don't treat someone like that if you love them, do you?"

She looked at Linda, longing for an answer.

"Well, it's not really my place to say whether she loved you or not," the therapist replied. "But I can talk you through your feelings... try to help you heal."

"Good luck," Joey remarked sadly.

"Why don't we go back to the beginning?" Linda suggested. "Tell me about your life before the trauma of being raped."

Joey took a deep breath to begin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Charlie took a deep breath.

"I'd started working for real and I was developing a social life again," she explained. "I was out with my friends and I met this guy in a bar. Everyone told me not to go there because he had such a reputation. But I went there anyway."

"And what happened?"

"He broke my heart," Charlie confirmed. "Sort of. I mean, well, he cheated on me."

Her mind flashed unwillingly to Joey. She was not looking forward to sharing that part of the story. It was something she wasn't sure she had or would ever heal from.

"Four months in," she added.

"So, the police academy guy..."

"Rob."

"Rob. He lasted...?"

"Five months."

"And this other man?"

"He lasted four," Charlie said. "His name was Peter."

Patricia nodded.

"Were you in love with him?" she asked.

"Goodness, no!" Charlie exclaimed. "He was just... I don't know what he was."

"Temporary?" Patricia suggested. "You knew he was a ladies man. Did that mean you knew it wouldn't last?"

Charlie nodded in defeat.

"Have you dated a lot of people, Charlie?"

"A few," she said. "There have been fairly big gaps between relationships. I've always been pretty focussed on my work. And I've always tried to put Ruby first, to take care of her before I take care of myself. It hasn't always left me a lot of time for dating."

"Ruby's your daughter, is that right?"

Charlie nodded quickly and reached for her water. She took a long gulp and set it back down again, centring it carefully on the coaster and making sure the coaster lined up with the edge of the table. Patricia didn't comment but she did observe and wait for Charlie to continue.

"So, what happened romantically after Peter cheated on you?"

"We dated on and off over the next couple of years. It was like a series of flings, if that makes sense. If you can have a series of flings with the same person."

She looked for confirmation from Patricia who nodded.

"My friends thought I was weak," Charlie explained. "They thought I was desperately in love with the guy or something but I wasn't. I just ended up turning to him every time I felt down or bad about myself."

"You took comfort from sex?" Patricia asked.

Charlie closed her eyes and twisted her fingers. She wasn't sure how she could explain.

"My parents were making all these decisions about Ruby's future," she said. "I was in my early twenties and she wasn't a baby anymore. She was getting older and more mature with her own little personality. And I wanted to be her Mum. I wanted to take responsibility for her but it had already been decided for me and I had no control. I felt guilty, like I was letting her down and I couldn't cope. Up to that point, I hadn't really enjoyed sex all that much. It made me feel bad. It made me feel..."

She trailed off.

"Continue the thought if you can," Patricia said gently.

"It made me feel dirty," Charlie admitted.

"So every time you felt helpless or out of control or low, you'd sleep with this man, Peter, in order to punish yourself?" Patricia asked.

Charlie nodded, grateful that her therapist had been able to find the words that she couldn't manage herself.

"Have you ever enjoyed sex?" Patricia asked.

Charlie nodded.

"With a few people," she said. "That's only been in recent years though. It hasn't been easy to... you know."

She sighed again and her heart felt heavy.

"So, who came after Peter?" Patricia asked, choosing not to unpick that wound just now.

There was a hell of a lot to get through. They were only ten minutes in.

"I got with another cheater," Charlie told her. "He was ten years older than me and he had a wife that he wasn't happy with. I'm still not entirely sure why I did it but we dated for six months. He was cheating on her and then he began cheating on me."

She frowned, feeling ashamed of herself for her past actions. She hated that she'd hurt someone's wife. What had that poor woman ever done to deserve it?

"I think you do know why you did it," Patricia probed.

Charlie looked a little startled.

"Sex made you feel dirty," the therapist explained. "Doing it with a married man could only have made it worse. And you knew, once again, that it couldn't last."

Charlie swallowed and looked up sharply.

"You think Angelo's right?" she asked.

"Do you?"

Charlie nodded and sipped her water again, fussing with the glass and the coaster once more when she put it down. She sighed for what felt like the millionth time and then began to share her next experience.

"Then I started dating this guy called Matt," she said. "He was lovely. He was really kind and really sweet. We were best friends and we got on like a house on fire."

"And how long did that last?"

"Six months."

It was her record so far.

"What went wrong?"

"I decided he just wasn't right for me," Charlie said, feeling like her situation with Angelo was eerily similar.

She hadn't thought about it that way before and it made her uncomfortable. She swallowed some more water.

"He was getting all serious and I... I just couldn't cope. He made me feel so good about myself. He made me feel too good. I was comfortable around him. To be honest, there wasn't a single thing wrong with him. My Mum had got sick with cancer by that time and he was amazing. He took a step back and let me deal with my grief and my family issues. He was always there at the end of any day, ready to support me and take care of me. And I just... I pushed him away."

"Did you see a future?"

"I did," Charlie admitted. "Everyone thought I'd found 'the one'. They thought we were going to get married and have babies and the thought terrified me. I didn't want any of that. So, I walked away."

"Where did you go?"

"When my Mum died, I followed my Dad to Summer Bay," Charlie explained. "He'd already started dating another woman, my step-mum, Morag and I was furious by how easily he'd moved on."

"Did that tie in with your own situation?"

"Well, at the time I felt justified. I mean, Mum had literally just died. She and Dad had been far from happy together but still..."

Patricia offered her a silent challenge.

"Yes," she admitted.

Silence fell between them as Charlie attempted to process her thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"I've known I was gay for as long as I can remember," Joey began. "I hated it at first and if I'm honest, part of me still wishes I wasn't."

"Why is that?" Linda asked.

"I spent my whole life trying and failing to be normal, to fit in," Joey said sadly.

"What do you think 'normal is, Joey?"

Joey shrugged. She reached for her water but decided not to drink and began fiddling with the coaster, centring it on the little table.

"Joey?" Linda probed.

Joey looked up and left the coaster alone. She sat back in the chair and sighed.

"I don't know what normal is," she said. "But it's not me. I'm just... damaged goods."

"How are you damaged goods?"

"Well, there's the obvious," Joey replied, referring to Robbo. "But even before that... I didn't have hardly any friends. I spent most of my time alone. I was never into the girlie stuff that other girls my age were. All I cared about was boats and the water and I was a complete tomboy. I still don't know how my being gay was a surprise to my brother. It was obvious to everyone else."

Linda nodded.

"Did you have girlfriends?" Linda asked.

"A few," Joey said. "Nothing public. Nothing serious."

"Can you tell me about them?"

"I met a girl when I was sixteen," Joey said. "I was besotted with her. She was really sweet and she was a tomboy like me. We had a good laugh together and she was very attractive. But she wanted to come out and be open about our relationship. She wanted to tell people and I just wasn't ready so she ended it."

"Were you closed off with her?" Linda asked, referring to Joey's current partner.

"No," Joey replied. "At least, when we were alone together, we were really happy. We could talk about anything and I think if she'd have given me a little time, I would have managed to stand up and tell the truth. But she was impatient. We were only together a few months. I lost my virginity to her. But then it ended."

The irony of what had happened with Charlie was not lost on her. Joey hoped she hadn't pressured her to come out but she couldn't help but worry about it. All she'd wanted was to be with Charlie. If Brett hadn't found out about them, Joey would have been happy to keep it quiet, at least for a while. She'd just wanted Charlie to be happy.

"What would it have taken for you to come out?" Linda wondered.

"I don't know," Joey admitted. "Maybe if I'd have felt protected and secure. If I'd have believed that there was someone I could truly rely on, no matter what... then I would have. That's what happened when I actually did come out."

Her mind was now firmly stuck on Charlie.

"And why didn't you feel that with this girl?" Linda asked, bringing Joey back to her first relationship.

"It was a new relationship," Joey explained. "It was my first relationship. I guess I couldn't trust it. And the idea of being rejected by my brother after..."

She trailed off and sighed heavily.

"After?"

"After my parents died."

Linda nodded slowly.

"When did you lose your parents?" she asked.

"When I was fourteen," Joey said. "It was yet another thing that set me apart at school. After that... my brother, Brett, was the only person I had in the world. Trusting Lily was hard. It all felt too fragile to hold onto. I was so scared every day of messing it up. And I did in the end."

"Were things amicable when you separated?"

"I guess," Joey said sadly. "We just kind of stopped hanging out. I missed her for a long time after that."

"And what other relationships did you form after that one ended?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"I slept with Roman before I hardly knew him at all," she admitted. "I'd arrived in the Bay like a big ball of rage. I was rubbing people up the wrong way without really meaning to and he was the only one who was willing to give me a chance. Dad was mad at me, Morag and I couldn't stand each other... I was running around like a bulldozer, Ruby showed up with a serious boyfriend, which sent me through yet another loop and... Roman cared. He made me laugh. He was good looking and I sought affection from him."

"And what happened?"

"He was blatantly in love with someone else," Charlie said, trying and failing not to sound bitter.

She had not come out of that relationship unscathed.

"And you knew this?"

Charlie nodded.

"I liked him a lot," she said. "But he was so cool with me. He wasn't willing to commit. All he wanted was some kind of casual thing. I was so desperate for affection that I agreed and then things started to go pretty well for us. I knew he loved Martha. It could see it in his eyes but he kept coming back to me and that felt good enough."

Charlie wrung her hands together feeling agitated.

"What do you feel when you think of that relationship, Charlie?" Patricia probed.

Charlie looked up at her, heavy hearted.

"Used."

She maintained eye contact and swallowed.

"Can you tell me more about that?" the therapist asked.

Her tone was gentle and her voice was soothing. Charlie couldn't help but trust her.

"On the one hand, Roman was a great guy. He had a lot of friends and people really liked him. He took a waif and stray in and he was trying to build a relationship with his daughter, who's Ruby's friend. We had a good time together. But I knew I wasn't 'the one'. He was never passionate about me, even when things were going well. And then I..."

She trailed off, worried by the words she was going to use.

"You what?"

"I sabotaged it," Charlie admitted.

"What did you do?"

"He was asleep on the couch," Charlie explained, recalling the night unhappily. "I'm not an idiot. I've got enough common sense and I've seen enough chick flicks to know that if you talk to someone when you think they're asleep and you tell them something significant, you can pretty much be sure that they're awake."

"What did you say?" Patricia asked.

"I told him I thought I was falling in love with him."

"And were you?"

Charlie shook her head.

"I wanted to be," she told her. "We looked good together. He got on with Dad and Morag. Ruby liked him. And I went off on the deep end when we broke up. But I didn't love him. And I knew he'd never love me. We were fond of each other but he loved Martha and that was the end of it."

"Why did you say you loved him then?" Patricia wondered.

"Sabotage," Charlie concluded glumly. "He acted really weird around me after that and we muddled through for a while but it was over pretty quickly."

"How did you feel when you split up?" Patricia asked.

"I was devastated," Charlie said honestly. "I started drinking a lot. I hardly knew what to do with myself. I kept wondering what was so wrong with me that I was so damn unloveable."

Tears surprised her and she took a deep breath, brushing them hurriedly away.

"What are you feeling right now, Charlie?" Patricia asked.

The police officer shrugged.

"I don't know," she said. "I can't figure it out."

"But you know that you're not unloveable, don't you?" Patricia said. "Matt quite obviously loved you."

Charlie nodded.

"Why was it so important for Roman to love you?"

"I don't think it was," Charlie admitted. "I think I would have run a mile if he had. I mean, for a few moments there, he did seem pretty serious. And I immediately started pushing him away. Ruby calls it going into arrest mode."

She offered a half hearted laugh.

"Arrest mode?" Patricia asked.

"When things look like they're getting serious, I run a mile," Charlie explained.

Patricia nodded and waited for her to continue.

"I was with Roman when I met Angelo," Charlie explained.

She swallowed. It seemed like a lifetime ago that they had been together the first time around. Angelo had certainly been a different person then. He was so serious now, so focussed and intense. Back when she'd first met him he'd been such a cheeky chappy, the life and the soul of the party, so intent on just having fun.

"What happened then?" Patricia asked. "Where did you just go?"

"I was just thinking about what Angelo used to be like," Charlie said.

"Can you tell me about that?"

"He was really fun. And so irritating."

She laughed softly.

"We got partnered up at work and he was always trying to ask me out and making innuendos. We used to bounce off each other and had such a laugh when we were on the same shift. Things weren't going so well with Roman and Angelo saw me through all of it. He was always offering himself as an alternative. Back when Roman and I were just seeing each other casually, in a kind of open relationship, I even let him take me out on a date."

She smiled to herself at the memory. Patricia waited for her to continue.

"We had a candlelit picnic on the beach and he was the perfect gentlemen. Up until that point, I don't think anyone in the world had made me feel as special as he did," Charlie said. "He really was the perfect alternative. But I stayed with Roman."

"Why?"

"At the time I thought it was because I was besotted with Roman but now I'm not so sure," Charlie admitted.

"What do you think now?"

"I think that a future with Angelo then would have been wonderful. I think certain other things might not have happened if we'd have made a go of it. But I chose the relationship that was doomed. I chose the man who was only fond of me, over a man who adored me," Charlie said.

Self-analysis was exhausting. She sank further into her chair and rubbed her temples.

"What could have been avoided, Charlie?" Patricia probed.

"I stayed with Roman and Angelo started dating this girl called Belle. But things went wrong for both of us and there was a massive storm," Charlie explained.

Patricia listened patiently, wondering where this was leading.

"To cut a long story short, I nearly died trying to save one of Ruby's friend's lives," Charlie said. "But lying in that hospital bed, I didn't care. I was miserable and feeling self-destructive. Angelo was having a hard time of his own and we got very, very drunk together and ended up in bed."

"And was that more self-destruction?" Patricia asked.

"Yes. I was so ashamed of myself in the morning. And yet again, I'd jumped in bed with someone without thinking it through. I told him it was a mistake but it happened again and again and before I knew it, we were dating."

"Is that where you are now?"

"No!" Charlie said quickly. "A hell of a lot more happened to get us to right now."

She took a deep breath.

"We were dating," she said. "It wasn't serious exactly but I guess we were both filling a void. I think he was more into me than I was into him but it worked until there was an accident."

Charlie squeezed her eyes shut as she recalled all that had gone on.

"He accidentally shot a colleague of ours," she said quickly.

Patricia merely nodded.

"He lied about it and I led the investigation into bringing him down," Charlie said. "The colleague, Jack, was my friend and Martha's husband..."

"The same Martha that Roman was in love with?" Patricia wanted to know.

Charlie nodded.

"Angelo confessed and was sent away to await his trial. For a moment, there looked like there could be some evidence that it wasn't him after all but the truth got proved. I so didn't want it to be him," she said. "He was so broken. He was so lost. It was an accident."

"But you couldn't stick by him?"

Charlie shook her head.

"It was over."

She took another deep breath and looked Patricia in the eye.

"Then I met Joey," she said.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Joey had listed a couple of secret flings and described how she had hidden them from her brother.

"That's pretty much as exciting as it got for a good few years," she said.

"You seem disappointed," Linda remarked.

"I am," Joey admitted. "Between the ages of sixteen and twenty four I really didn't have a life. Girlfriends were just dirty little secrets that I could tell anyone about and I was so desperate by that point to come out."

"So, why didn't you?"

"I was too scared," Joey told her. "I knew Brett would freak and throw me out. And like I said before, I didn't have anyone I could rely on. I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't have a direction in life. All I was doing was working in random cafes and bars and stuff, waiting for an opportunity to open up in the fishing industry."

"That was your goal?" Linda asked.

Joey nodded.

"I've always been obsessed with boats," she explained. "All I've ever wanted to do was work on them."

"Is that what you do now?"

Joey nodded.

"It's all I know, really," she said. "I'd love to own my own trawler one day. Run my own business. Have complete control. I could be out at sea all the time if I wanted."

"How did you feel, having this secret life?" Linda asked, changing the subject slightly.

"Dirty," Joey replied without pause.

"Can you tell me more about that?"

"I just... well, like I said, I wanted to be open and honest about who I was but I felt trapped. And I was right. Brett did throw me out and he pretty much destroyed the relationship I had with the love of my life," Joey said.

She didn't bother to hide the bitterness in her voice.

"Do you feel able to talk about that? To talk about her?" Linda asked.

Joey shook her head quickly. There were two things she still couldn't bear to talk about – Robbo and Charlie. That was half the reason she was here. She hadn't told her current girlfriend, Fiona, about what had happened to her. She'd tried and failed several times and that was having an effect on their relationship. And while Fiona knew that Joey had run away from an ex who'd broken her heart, she'd failed to get her to talk about it. And it was frustrating them both.

"Okay," Linda said. "That's fine. We can come back to it."

Joey nodded a little uncertainly. She didn't think she ever wanted to go back to that topic. But she knew that if she wasn't prepared to deal with the problems, she may as well leave now and kiss her relationship with Fiona goodbye.

"You look troubled, Joey," Linda said.

Joey nodded again and swallowed anxiously.

"What's happening for you right now?"

"I don't know," she replied, not knowing how to put things into words.

"What are you thinking about?"

"All the things I've been running away from," Joey said. "All the things I haven't told Fiona. And if I don't start sharing with her now... I'm going to lose her."

"Have you told her about the rape?" Linda asked.

Joey shook her head.

"Why not?"

"I hoped that... that if I didn't say anything then... then maybe it didn't happen."

Linda frowned.

"You know that's not possible, don't you?" she asked. "You know you can't run away from it forever?"

"I know," Joey said softly. "I just find it so hard to..."

She trailed off and fought tears.

"Do you think it would help to bring your girlfriend here?" Linda asked. "Perhaps you'd find a way to talk about it in a safe space. Then maybe you can work through things together."

"Maybe," Joey said.

Linda studied her for a moment and then asked her next question.

"How would you feel if this relationship broke up?"

Joey looked startled.

"I don't know," she finally admitted. "I'd be sad if Fiona and I split but..."

She sighed heavily.

"But?"

"But there are worse things."

"Such as the assault you experienced?" Linda suggested.

"Yes," Joey agreed. "But mostly I was thinking about losing Charlie."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

"Can you tell me about him?" the therapist asked.

"He was a she," Charlie admitted.

She swallowed and struggled for a moment, feeling like there was no air in the room. She looked everywhere but her therapist's face.

"That makes you uncomfortable?" Patricia concluded.

Charlie finally settled her gaze and nodded.

"Why?"

Charlie thought about it.

"I didn't want anyone thinking I was gay," she admitted.

"Are you gay?"

Charlie shook her head quickly.

"Bisexual?"

She shrugged.

"Maybe. I don't know."

"But you were attracted to this woman? Joey?" Patricia asked.

"I was more attracted to Joey that I've ever been to anyone in my whole life," she said.

"Including Angelo?"

Charlie nodded, still feeling uncertain.

"How did you meet Joey?" Patricia asked. "Can you tell me about her?"

Charlie couldn't help but smile.

"Oh, she was the most amazing person I've ever known," she said.

Patricia noticed the sudden shift in her patient's expression.

"She was a few years younger than me," Charlie explained. "She was twenty-four and she lived with her brother. Both her parents had died a few years back and she worked as a deckhand. She was absolutely obsessed with boats. Seriously, I've never known anything like it. And she was just so... perfect."

"Do you think she was perfect for you?"

"Discounting that fact that she was too good for me, yes, she was," Charlie said sadly.

"More perfect for you than Angelo believes he is?"

Charlie nodded.

"What made her perfect for you, Charlie?"

Charlie chewed her lip thoughtfully.

"She... well, she... I guess we complimented each other pretty well. She had her head up in the clouds and I had my feet on the ground so we helped each other meet in the middle. And she was so happy and I was serious. She helped me chill out. And she... she made me a better person."

"How so?"

"When I was around her, I just wanted to be the best person I could be," Charlie explained. "She made my world a better place. Everything was better when she was around. And she was strong! She was the strongest person I've ever met. After what she went through..."

Charlie trailed off as a wave of memories hit her.

"What did she go through, Charlie?" Patricia asked.

"She was raped."

The words hung in the air for a moment.

"Is that what attracted you to her?" Patricia dared to ask.

Charlie looked up sharply, panicked.

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe you saw a kindred spirit in her...?"

"Maybe I did," Charlie said. "I guess I wanted to save her the way nobody had saved me. But... no. That was why I developed a crusade to help her but it wasn't the attraction. I mean, maybe it was part of it. Maybe feeling safe with her was important. But the actual attraction, the physical and the emotional side of it... that was based in nothing but love."

Patricia nodded thoughtfully. Charlie noticed.

"What?" she asked.

"Charlie, do you realise that I know more about Joey than I know about any of your boyfriends put together?" the therapist asked.

Charlie frowned in confusion.

"And do you realise that you completely light up whenever you talk or think about her?"

Now, the police officer blushed.

"If she made you that happy, Charlie... why did it end?"

"I cheated on her," Charlie admitted.

The words tasted vile on her tongue.

"And why did you to that?" Patricia asked calmly.

Charlie fidgeted and tried to think of the right answer. Was it because of the accusation Brett had made? Was it because she couldn't deal with being in love with a woman? She frowned and looked at the therapist resolutely.

"It was because she was perfect for me," she admitted.

Patricia nodded.

"I was too scared to come out," Charlie explained. "It was hurting her feelings. And then her brother accused me of sexual misconduct and we got separated while there was an investigation. It was only a night but it was too much for me. There'd been this guy, Hugo... who actually tried to kill me a few weeks ago... but he'd been after me for a while. I had sex with him. It was horrible. It was like..."

"Like the sex you'd had on previous occasions in order to punish yourself?" Patricia questioned.

Charlie nodded.

"You said before that Joey was too good for you," the therapist asked. "Why do you think that?"

"Look what I did to her!" Charlie exclaimed, reaching for the rest of her water.

"But you must have felt that way before all that?"

"Yes," Charlie said. "The thing is... Joey was so amazing. She was sweet and loving and kind. She was thoughtful and patient and gentle. I feel like... if we'd have lasted I could have honestly spent the rest of my life with her. We even lived together. That's... that's how the whole thing with Angelo started."

Patricia looked confused.

"He's angry with me because I won't move in with him. I'm not ready to be that committed to our relationship."

"But you were with Joey?"

Charlie nodded.

"I mean, we were living together before we started dating but yes, after we got together, I didn't want that to change. I loved living with her," she admitted.

"So, you were unfaithful to Joey..." Patricia ventured. "Was it another act of sabotage?"

"I think so," Charlie said. "Although I regretted it the moment it happened. I lied to her. I did everything I could to keep it from her because I knew by the next morning just how crazy I was about her. But it was too late. The damage was done. Within a week, she knew exactly what had happened and she left me. I think she still loved me and I know I love her, I..."

"Love in the present tense?" Patricia asked.

Charlie looked startled and then nodded.

"And what effect does that have on your relationship with Angelo?"

"I don't feel as strongly for him as I feel for Joey," Charlie admitted. "I don't think I could ever feel for anyone as strongly as I felt for Joey."

"Did you try to make her stay, Charlie?" Patricia wondered.

Charlie nodded and then reconsidered her answer and looked anxious.

"Charlie?"

"I didn't try hard enough," she said.

"Why not?"

"It was too hard. She was so hurt," Charlie said. "I mean, she was devastated. I'd broken her heart so many times while we were trying to actually get together. I kept freaking out and hurting her. And then when we'd finally got over it, I'd damaged her all over again. And she was already so fragile. I love her and still I hurt her so much. I mean, what kind of person does that make me?"

"It makes you human, Charlie," Patricia said kindly.

"Hurting Joey was like kicking a puppy," Charlie said sadly. "She was so wounded and it was all my fault."

Charlie burst into tears. She pressed her hands to her face but didn't stop sobbing for quite some time. Patricia handed her a tissue. Charlie accepted it gratefully.

"I tried to get her to stay," she sobbed. "But she was adamant that it was the right thing to do. She went on a long haul and she said she'd be back in three months but..."

Charlie shrugged.

"She didn't return?" Patricia asked.

"No," Charlie told her. "I guess she got over me."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

"I don't think I've ever got over her," Joey admitted. "I still think about her so much. I'm still in love with her."

Linda nodded. It was no great surprise.

"And how do you feel about that?" she asked.

"Angry," Joey replied. "I feel like an idiot to still feel so strongly for her after what she did to me. I mean, what kind of glutton for punishment does that make me? I left because I needed to make a stand. I needed to do what was right for me but... I just took her with me. She's probably having a great time right now..."

She laughed bitterly and tears stung her eyes.

"She's probably banging some hot guy and pretending she never had feelings for me. She's probably..."

The tears spilled down her cheeks.

"The idea of this woman, Charlie, being with someone else, hurts you?" Linda probed.

Joey nodded.

"Even though you're in a relationship yourself?"

Joey nodded again.

"What does that mean for your relationship with Fiona?"

Joey shrugged.

"I guess that's why I'm here."

"Why _are_ you here, Joey?"

"I want to be... I want to be over Charlie. I want to be able to function in the real world without feeling plagued by her and by what happened with us and what happened with Robbo. I want... I want to live my life," Joey said desperately.

"So that you can be with Fiona in the way that she wants you to be?" Linda asked.

Joey sighed heavily and closed her eyes.

"Joey, I'm going to ask you something," Linda told her. "And I want you to give me the first answer that pops into your head, okay?"

Joey nodded a little uncertainly.

"What would make you feel happy?"

"I..."

"The first answer that pops into your head," Linda reminded her.

Joey sighed again.

"Charlie," she admitted.

She hated the answer and she had no idea what she was meant to do about it.

"Why don't you tell me about her now?" Linda suggested.

"Shouldn't you be berating me for not being true to Fiona?" Joey asked.

"Joey, I'm not here to berate you for anything. I'm here to help you understand what's going on for you right now. I'm here to help you feel better."

Joey nodded and took a deep breath.

"Charlie rescued me," she began. "I'd been raped by Robbo and I was almost suicidal. All I wanted was to hide away forever and never deal with it. But I was in so much pain all the time that a friend of mine got Charlie involved. She's a cop, you see. She started trying to get me to talk to her and it felt like... it felt like she really cared. I didn't want to press charges and I certainly didn't feel ready to tell anyone I was gay."

Linda was confused as to how that fitted in.

"He was claiming consensual sex," Joey explained with a shudder. "But Charlie pointed out that me being gay would back up my rape claim. I wasn't ready but she worked so hard and eventually... eventually I believed her that everything would okay."

She sighed yet again.

"I came out to my brother and predictably, he threw me out of the house. Charlie took me in. She counselled me, comforted me, put a roof over my head... She cared about me. She made me happy. It didn't take that long to fall for her. And I had no idea that she was battling with feelings for me."

"Is Charlie gay or...?"

Joey laughed. Bitterness was still evident there.

"That was the problem," she explained. "The more she fell for me, the harder she found it to deal with. She kept pulling me close and then pushing me away. It was hell. I can't tell you how many times I moved in and out of that house. I loved her so much and all I wanted was to be with her."

Linda nodded and waited for her to continue.

"We finally got together," Joey said. "I pretty much gave her an ultimatum and she decided that she did want to be with me after all but then... then, I guess she changed her mind."

"What happened?"

"We were so happy," Joey told her tearfully. "I've never felt that way about anybody before or since. I didn't think it was possible to be so in love. I still don't. No matter how much she hurt me, I'll never love anyone the way I love Charlie. But my brother made a complaint against her. He accused her pretty much of sexually abusing me. We weren't allowed to see each other for a night and she... she slept with someone else."

"A man or a woman?" Linda asked.

"A man. A slimy, horrible, greasy man at that."

She pulled a face, wondering if Charlie might still be with him now. That would make her sick.

"Why do you think she did that?"

Joey shrugged.

"Everyone was calling her gay and she didn't like it. Brett had graffitied her car with 'queer' and everyone was gossiping and laughing. I guess she couldn't handle it. I think... I think if we'd have been together that night, it would have been okay. I would have been able to comfort her. I would have been able to keep us both safe and protected. But she was left to cope all alone because we weren't allowed to see each other and... and she destroyed us instead."

Joey squeezed her eyes shut unhappily.

"And then she lied about it," she said. "I spent a whole week still besotted with her. I was falling more deeply in love with her every day and she was really chilled out and happy. It was almost as if sleeping with Hugo made her feelings for me more certain, more real. Ironically, that week was probably the happiest I'd ever been."

More tears spilled and she didn't bother to wipe them away.

"I'd got myself a job and I was building my confidence up. I was in love with the most beautiful woman I've ever met. And she loved me. Or at least I thought she did."

"Do you think Charlie loved you?"

"I don't know," Joey said. "She said she did. She said Hugo didn't mean anything to her, that it was a mistake and she wanted to be with me. But I loved her so much. I could never have done anything like that to her. So if she really loved me, how could she betray me like that?"

"It sounds like she was in a very confused place," Linda said. "Not that that excuses anything."

Joey nodded.

"Perhaps she did love you," Linda said. "Perhaps she just got lost for a moment. Think back to when you were sixteen and you weren't ready to come out..."

"I never cheated on anyone though," Joey said defensively.

"But you still weren't able to be with that girl," Linda said. "Charlie did wrong but maybe it wasn't because she didn't love you. Maybe it was because she panicked."

Joey nodded and sighed.

"What does that mean though?" she asked. "Thinking that she loved me isn't going to help me get over her."


	9. Chapter 9

_Hello, everyone. I'm so glad to be back with you. Here is the first of two updates for this story today, as Charlie and Joey try to tackle their feelings for each other. I hope you like it. And thanks once again for all your lovely reviews and messages. IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Nine**

"And you started dating Angelo?"

Charlie nodded.

"It was Ruby's birthday. She was getting ready to sleep with her boyfriend for the first time and I panicked. She still didn't know at that point that I was her mother. Ruby was growing up and Joey wasn't coming home. Angelo and I pretty much started up again the way we'd begun in the first place."

"Consolation?" Patricia asked.

Charlie nodded.

"And how have things been since you got together?"

Charlie tried and failed to stifle a laugh.

"We've pretty much shot from one disaster to the next."

"Could you elaborate?"

"He'd been dating another woman before we got together. He left her for me and then I panicked about committing to him but I just about got over it. Then I got hit by a car. Joey's brother was the driver. Everything came out about Joey and Angelo freaked. He said it was such a big part of myself to hide that he felt like he didn't know me. But up to that point... even now, talking about Joey is so hard."

She gestured to her own tears.

"Obviously," she said.

"But you got back together?" Patricia asked.

Charlie nodded.

"I opened up to him about Grant and Ruby and everything and he helped me through it. Then Ruby brought Grant into our lives again and it all went to hell."

"When he was murdered?" Patricia said.

"Yes. It tore Angelo and I apart because the Detective running the case made out that he was cheating on me."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Disappointed," Charlie said. "Sad. Like I was in receipt of an awful dose of karma."

"Because of Joey?"

Charlie nodded.

"But the truth came out and everything was fixed again. We got comfortable with each other. We confided in each other. We worked as a team."

She sighed.

"Then he asked me to move in with him," she said.

"But you don't want to live with him?"

"No," Charlie said quickly, shaking her head.

"Why not?"

"I'm just not... there," Charlie said. "I wanted us to just continue on our way. We were happy together. We were approaching our six months, which, if we'd have got past it, would have been a record for me. I liked things as they were. Living together would only have put more pressure on us. I just... I can't, I..."

"Charlie, breathe," Patricia said calmly.

Charlie obeyed and inhaled and exhaled for several moments, calming herself.

"I can't live with him," she managed. "It's too much too soon. I'm not ready."

"So you've broken up with him?"

"Yes."

Patricia pondered her next question.

"Charlie," she said. "What do you want to get out of seeing me again?"

"I want to resolve the issue," she said. "I want to be normal again. I want to be the kind of person who's capable of a happy, healthy relationship."

"With Angelo?" Patricia asked.

Charlie shifted uncertainly.

"I guess."

"Or with Joey?"

Tears began to flow again. She nodded.

"But it's too late for that," she said. "That's over. We'll never be together again."

"Why not?"

"She left town because of me," Charlie pointed out. "And she hasn't come home. I doubt she's interested anymore!"

"What would you say to Joey if you saw her again?" Patricia asked.

The lump in Charlie's throat began to swell.

"I don't know," she said, wanting to back out.

"Why don't you give it a try?" Patricia suggested. "It's a safe space in here with me. Pretend Joey is sitting in that chair."

She pointed to the vacant seat to her left.

"Talk to her," she said. "Tell her how you feel about her."

Charlie took a deep breath, automatically struggling, there were so many things she needed to say but she had no idea where to begin.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

"Do you want to get over her?" Linda asked.

Joey looked up sharply.

"Of course I do!" she said, although she wasn't entirely sure that was true.

She sighed and rubbed her face.

"You want to be with Fiona?"

"Yes. That's why I'm here," Joey said quickly.

She didn't like the line of questioning. It was awkward and she wasn't sure the answers she wanted to give were the truthful ones.

"So, why do you think you can't share things with Fiona?" Linda asked patiently.

Joey just shrugged. Linda smiled.

"I need a little more than that," she said.

"The words get stuck in my throat when I try and tell her what happened to me," Joey began. "I just... can't."

"What did happen to you?"

"I was raped," Joey said, confused as to why she was asking when she already knew.

"I know that," Linda said. "Can you tell me about it?"

Joey sighed.

"We worked together. He was friends with Brett. I'd known him a while. We didn't get along. I couldn't bear him and he didn't like having a girl working on the trawler. He was bullying me and then one day... it just went too far," Joey explained.

Her voice was shaking a little.

"We were below deck and he pressed me into a corner. He forced himself on me and... I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop him. I fought so hard against him but the harder I fought, the harder he pushed and the more it hurt," she explained tearfully. "Then he just laughed, zipped up and walked away. He left me in shreds."

Linda offered her a tissue and sighed compassionately. While she tried not to get emotionally involved, to hear a rape description was always going to be hard.

"Why do you feel okay to tell me about it but not Fiona?" she asked.

The question caught Joey off guard. She stuttered and stumbled over what to say.

"You're a therapist," she finally said. "You're paid to listen to me and not judge me. Fiona... she..."

She sighed heavily.

"You're afraid of Fiona judging you?" Linda asked.

"I'm afraid of her opinion of me changing," Joey said. "I'm afraid of her seeing me as weak and pathetic and damaged. I'm afraid that she'll realise how worthless I am."

"Why do you think you're worthless, Joey?"

"I wasn't good enough for Charlie," Joey pointed out. "She was happy to treat me like trash. I gave her everything I had and she just trampled all over it."

"Charlie made you feel worthless?"

Joey nodded and twisted her fingers together until they hurt.

"And yet you're still in love with her?" Linda said.

Joey nodded again.

"Pretty pathetic, hey?" she said.

"Not pathetic," Linda said. "And you're not worthless."

Joey just laughed.

"You're not. And it's a shame that you feel that way about yourself. Perhaps working on that will help you make things right with Fiona."

Joey exhaled loudly. She didn't know how things would possibly ever make things right with her.

"If you want to," Linda said.

Joey eyed her curiously.

"Joey, do you want to make things right with Fiona or do you want to go back and see if you and Charlie could try again?"


	11. Chapter 11

_Okay, so this is the last therapy chapter and we are ending with Charlie. However, the story won't finish until chapter seventeen so we still have some time to figure out what Charlie and Joey have learned from their sessions and what they're going to do about it! I will only be posting a chapter at a time now. I did two together before because I wanted Charlie and Joey's experiences in parallel. I hope you like it!_

_The One will be finishing in a few chapters time. I won't replace it because I would prefer to have five instead of six stories going at the same time. But once this story has finished, I will begin a new one set during the original CJ timeline. So, I hope you like that. But for now, enjoy Charlie's comparison of how she feels with Angelo and how she felt with Joey... Love, IJKS xxx_

***

**Chapter Eleven**

Charlie shook her head. There was no way she could comprehend what she would ever say to Joey if she saw her again.

"Why don't you want to do the exercise?" Patricia asked.

Charlie sighed and shrugged.

"It's too hard," she said.

"Therapy isn't supposed to be a walk in the park, Charlie," Patricia pointed out.

"I know," Charlie said quickly. "I just..."

"Okay, say you were to get back together with Angelo," Patricia said. "What kind of future would you see with him?"

"I don't see one," Charlie said. "That's the problem. That's why I'm here."

"Because you want different things?"

Charlie nodded.

"He wants to move in together. I presume he'd eventually want marriage and kids, a mortgage, his and hers t-shirts..."

She pulled a face.

"And you'd want...?"

Charlie sighed again.

"Just to carry on as we are," she said. "Having separate lives but coming together to talk and be happy. He can spend the night at mine, I can go to his, but we have our separate houses. When I want to be on my own, when I want to do my own thing without him, I can. I can keep my independence and still be with him."

"And you think that living with Angelo would take away your independence?" Patricia asked.

"Absolutely!" Charlie exclaimed. "I don't want him to see me first thing in the morning every morning. I don't want to share a bed with him every single night. I don't want him to be around when I'm sick and I look ugly. I don't want to step over his dirty underwear on the floor every day. Right now, well, before we split up, we were always pretty polite with each other. We made an effort with each other. I don't... I didn't want us to get complacent."

"And that's what you think living together would mean?"

Charlie nodded.

"And it means so much," she added. "It means commitment and a future and that's... that's too much for me. I mean, it's not like I have any plans on cheating on him or anything like that but I... I don't want to go through that awful thing of being so engrossed in each other that when you break up, your whole world implodes. I don't want to argue over who gets which DVD's and who bought what. I want to have my own stuff. I want him to have his own stuff. I want to be separate."

"Did you have all of this with Joey?"

The question took Charlie by surprise.

"We didn't get as far as shared stuff," she said sadly.

"What about the other stuff you mentioned?" Patricia asked.

"Which...?"

"Did you get complacent?"

"No," Charlie admitted. "We always made an effort with each other."

"Did you share a bed each night and wake up together each morning?"

Charlie nodded.

"Did you get frustrated by that?"

"No," Charlie said.

She indulged in a smile.

"I loved falling asleep in her arms. And she always looked so cute in the morning. Her hair would get all messy and she'd look at me through these sleepy eyes and purse her lips for a good morning kiss."

She couldn't stop smiling at the image she'd created. Patricia noticed.

"You couldn't have that with Angelo?" she asked.

Charlie frowned and shook her head.

"His hair's too short to get messy," she said.

Patricia chuckled.

"I mean..." she began.

Charlie sighed.

"I wake up with him a lot," she said. "Well, I used to. But it didn't feel quite the same as with Joey."

"And were you afraid of looking 'ugly' in front of Joey?" Patricia asked.

Charlie shook her head.

"She told me every day that I was beautiful," she said. "I didn't believe her but I believe that she meant it. She saw the best and worst of me and she loved me anyway. At least, she did until..."

She sighed heavily.

"But you don't think Angelo would feel the same way?"

Charlie shrugged.

"I guess," she said. "He loves me. I know that much. He compliments me when he thinks of it and he's sweet. But..."

She growled in sudden frustration.

"It could just never be the same," she said.

Patricia nodded.

"We're coming to the end of our session," she said. "But can I ask you one thing?"

Charlie nodded uncertainly.

"What kind of future would you have seen with Joey, had it lasted?"

"We'd still be living together," Charlie said honestly. "And we'd be even more in love than we were before, if that's possible. She'd make me dinner, I'd take her out, we'd go on holiday. She would have been my rock throughout everything with Ruby and Grant."

She sighed.

"We would have been happy."


	12. Chapter 12

_Well, I thought I'd do tomorrow's update today. Or I might even just make this an extra update. I'm not feeling well and posting fic cheers me up! As do your lovely reviews! Not that I'm hinting or anything... Thank you to Drowningnotwaving for helping me with my paragraph problem. And pointing out that I'm more than marginally OCD. I love you too! :-P Anyway, our girls have finished their sessions for today and are facing life. Enjoy. xxx_

**Chapter Twelve**

After her therapy session, Charlie headed straight to the Diner where she was meeting Ruby for lunch. Her daughter knew that Charlie had been panicked about the whole thing and wanted to be there to reassure her. Charlie had no idea how the teenager would react to Charlie's sudden revelation that Joey was the one she wanted to be with. She had no idea how she felt about it herself. She supposed part of her had always known that had she had the choice, Joey would always be the person she wanted to be with. She had messed up a hell of a lot of relationships but Joey was the one she was most regretful about. It made her feel guilty and she wondered if she had mistreated Angelo all this time. She cared for him a great deal and she hoped that everything she had said and done during their time together was genuine but she couldn't help but wonder how he would feel to know that her heart had always remained with her ex. And how was this information even helpful now? Joey was gone and she'd made it very clear that she wasn't coming back. She'd said she would. The day that she'd kissed her goodbye, she told her she would be home in three months. It was now a year since they had first met and she was definitely gone.

"Mind if I join you?"

Charlie snapped out of her reverie and came face to face with Angelo. He looked hopeful and anxious, the same way he always seemed to look around her these days. It made her feel bad. He didn't even know she was seeking help but if he did, she knew he would be hoping that it was a way for her to get back with him. It had been, originally, but from the moment she'd sat down, face to face with Patricia, ready to analyse her life, she knew that going through therapy and trying to get over her commitment phobia for someone else, wouldn't help. She had to do it for herself and now she just hoped she was strong enough.

"Sure," she said.

He did and smiled at her, always hoping that she would suddenly turn around and tell him she wanted to be with him again.

"How are you?" he asked. "I uh... I noticed you requested the morning off."

"Yeah," she said. "I'm having lunch with Ruby and then I'll head in to work."

"I wasn't checking up on you," he said apologetically. "I just wanted to see how you were keeping. You know, as a friend?"

They'd decided to try and be friends after a brief period of Charlie vehemently ignoring him. He'd managed to make her laugh and break through the cold front and they'd even spent a happy afternoon hanging out together. But then he'd asked her out to dinner and she'd said no. So far this week, she had been friendly but not overly fussed about him and he wasn't sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.

"Thanks," Charlie said. "I'm fine."

"Okay."

"How are you?" she asked politely.

"I'm good," he lied.

He felt like he was going crazy not being with her.

"I miss you," he added.

She frowned and his heart sank as he realised that yet again, he had pushed her too far. She fiddled with her menu and looked around for Ruby. Angelo really wasn't the person she needed to see right now.

* * *

Joey drove home slowly from her appointment. She'd thought you were meant to build up to huge revelations and big decisions but she'd had one session and her mind was made up. She knew, for once, exactly what she needed to do, even though she really didn't want to do it. Pausing at a red light, Joey drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. She looked anxiously out the window and then flicked the radio on. _Pick You Up _by Dash and Will began to blast. She moved to switch it off again. That song would always remind her of Charlie. Stopping, she let the music play. She was determined to face everything head on now.

* * *

Charlie glanced at her watch. Ruby was late, unsurprisingly, and with Angelo at her table, Charlie was eager to move on. Her head was far too confused about him and everything he represented now. She didn't know what to say. Ruby was the only person she could bear to talk to about everything. Ruby was the only person who might understand. She jumped a little when her phone rang. Pulling it out, she was painfully aware of Angelo's presence.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Charlie, it's Patricia. Is it okay to talk?"

"Yeah," Charlie said, turning away slightly from the table. "It's fine."

Angelo watched her every move.

"I've made a bit of an error," Patricia said. "I booked you in for eleven on Monday but my secretary rearranged another appointment for that time. Would it be alright to see you at ten instead?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's absolutely fine," Charlie said cheerfully. "No problem."

"Great so, Monday at ten," Patricia confirmed.

"Yep," Charlie agreed. "I'll see you then. Okay, thanks. Bye."

She hung up and turned back to Angelo who had been blatantly listening to her.

"Appointment," she said, not wanting to go into details.

He nodded, although his mind was quickly launching into overdrive. If Charlie was arranging to meet someone and didn't want to tell him about it, did that mean she had a date or something? No. She wouldn't dump him for someone else, surely? He looked and felt unhappy but tried to hide it. He felt like he hardly knew Charlie anymore. He had no idea what she would or wouldn't do.

* * *

Joey pulled up outside the modest house she rented with Fiona. Her girlfriend's car was also parked outside, letting Joey know that she was probably home. Turning off the radio, Joey took a deep breath and hauled herself out of the car. It was now or never. Pulling out her door key, she entered the house. Fiona was making lunch in the kitchen. They smiled warmly at each other and Fiona approached to offer a hug and a kiss.

"How was therapy?" she asked.

The whole reason Joey had agreed to go was because they were trying to save their relationship. She had no qualms about asking how it had gone. Joey tossed her keys on the table and nodded.

"It was helpful," she said.

That much was true.

"And I think there's some stuff I need to tell you."

Fiona smiled hopefully. She had been waiting for the day when Joey would open up to her and tell her about the things she had been so clearly running from since they met six months ago.

"Great," she said. "So, you think it'll be helpful?"

"Shall we go and sit down?" Joey suggested.

Fiona nodded and picked up two plates.

"I guessed what time you'd be home so I made you a sandwich too," she said.

* * *

"So, is your appointment anything exciting?" Angelo ventured.

He was itching to know where she was going and who she was seeing. He hated that she now had a life separate from him. He supposed they'd always been fairly separate and that was part of the problem but usually, she didn't have any issue with telling him what she was up to.

"Nothing special," Charlie said vaguely.

She really didn't want to talk about it with him. Only Leah and Ruby knew that she was in therapy and that's the way she wanted it to stay.

"Okay," he said in a tone that suggested it wasn't okay at all.

Charlie looked around for Ruby again but the school girl was nowhere to be seen. At this rate, she'd never show up before school resumed for the day.

"I'm just going to use the bathroom," she said, excusing herself.

She didn't really need to go but she needed to get away from him. Angelo nodded and studied the phone she'd left on the table. It was far too tempting. As soon as Charlie was out of sight, he made a grab for her mobile.

* * *

"You're right when you say I run away from my feelings," Joey ventured. "And that I'm running away from my past. I am. I have been for months."

She toyed with her sandwich but didn't take a bite. Fiona kept her gaze firm as she waited with baited breath for all her girlfriend's secrets to spill out.

"A year ago, I was working on a fishing trawler and I was... I was being bullied at work,"

Joey's voice was shaking and she barely knew how to get the words out. She had only ever said 'rape' to Charlie and two therapists before. It felt like the most difficult word in the English language. Even with Aden, the first person she'd told, Joey hadn't said the exact words.

"The bullying got out of control and I... he... the guy... he raped me."

Fiona inhaled sharply. Of all the things she thought Joey might say, that wasn't it. She reached out for Joey's hand and was relieved when she accepted.

"It pretty much destroyed me," Joey said. "I gave evidence remotely a couple of months ago. He got ten years."

Fiona looked immediately hurt. They'd been together then and Joey hadn't mentioned a thing. She chose to focus on what Joey had been through instead of her own feelings.

"No wonder you haven't found it easy to talk about stuff," Fiona said compassionately. "That must have been awful. I'm so sorry, Jo..."

Joey smiled at her, grateful that she hadn't been rejected or deemed disgusting.

"I haven't really found anything easy since then," she admitted. "In order to get a good case against him, I had to come out and admit I was gay and that meant that my brother and I permanently fell out. He kicked me out of the house and I..."

She sighed. Talking about Charlie was inevitable so she supposed she ought to just get it over with.

"There was this woman..." she began.

Fiona's heart sank. Even the way Joey said it made Fiona suspect that she'd fallen in love with whoever it was.

"She looked after me," Joey explained. "She took me into her home and we... we fell in love with each other."

Fiona just nodded and clung to Joey's hand.

"I loved her so much but she was straight... apparently. I was the exception to the rule and she couldn't cope. We finally got things right. We were together and happy and then my brother interfered and, well, I won't bore you with the details but she cheated on me with a guy in a bid to prove to the world that she wasn't some lesbian."

Joey's voice caught. The memories still hurt. Fiona couldn't help but notice.

"I left town. I left her. And I've been trying to move on ever since. And I thought I had but... obviously I was still scarred or else I wouldn't have shut you out all this time."

Fiona nodded and chewed her lip. Joey swallowed nervously.

"Well, I'm glad you're willing to share now," Fiona said optimistically. "We can move on together now that I know everything."

Joey sighed heavily and dropped her hand. She picked up her sandwich and put it down again. She glanced at Fiona who looked as if her world was ending.

"That's the problem," Joey said. "Now that I've tackled all this... I mean, I know it's just the beginning but... now that I've been talking about what happened and about her, I... I realise that you and I could never work."

* * *

"What are you doing?"

Angelo jumped and dropped Charlie's phone. He looked round to see Ruby studying him.

"Did Charlie say you could go through her phone?"

"Um..."

The woman in question reappeared, looking confused.

"Angelo was reading your messages or something," Ruby told her.

Charlie snatched the phone up from the table and shoved it in her pocket as Angelo desperately tried to apologise.

"Well, what were you trying to do?" Charlie demanded.

"I wanted... I wanted to see who called you."

Charlie looked horrified. She didn't want him to know she was in therapy and couldn't believe that Angelo would stoop so low. She moved to grab her jacket from the back of the chair.

"Who I talk to is nothing to do with you," she snapped.

Ruby followed her towards the door. Angelo stood up.

"And whose fault is that?" he yelled.

Everyone stopped to looked at them. Charlie looked back uncertainly.

"It's your fault, Charlie. Because you can't commit and now I guess you're running around with some Patricia woman. Bisexuality rearing its ugly head, is it?"

Charlie hated that everyone was looking at her. She wanted the world to swallow her up.

"I'm not running around with anyone," she told Angelo. "Male or female. And even if I was, it'd have nothing to do with you."

Ruby took her hand and led her out of the Diner.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

"Joey, what are you talking about?" Fiona asked.

She felt like the world was ending.

"I really, really care for you," Joey said. "But I... this... it won't work. Not while..."

"While you're still in love with this woman?" Fiona accused.

Joey swallowed, nodded and apologised. Fiona pulled far away from her, glaring and fighting tears. Joey apologised again.

"Do I have to remind you why you left her?"

Joey stood up and turned away.

"No," she said. "You don't. She hurt me when I was already so broken. I should hate her but I just... can't."

Fiona also got to her feet and roughly turned Joey around. Her eyes burned into Joey's, making her recoil a little.

"I'm sorry for hurting you but today just made me realise what I've been fighting for a long time. I'm still in love with Charlie and while it probably won't amount to anything, I have to go and see her and see if there's a way for it to work. I mean, I doubt there is but I have to try. And if I'm that desperate to be with her, I shouldn't be with you or anyone. It's not fair."

She moved towards their bedroom to begin packing her things.

"I don't care!" Fiona said desperately.

Joey turned back in confusion.

"I don't care if you don't love me. I don't care if she's the one you want. I love you, Joey. I need you. It's only been a few months. You could... you could learn to love me, couldn't you?"

Joey apologised and headed into their room. Fiona hurried after her.

"She'll only break your heart," she said. "If she could cheat on you... and after you'd been raped and only learnt to love again... How could you want her instead of me? I've always been good to you, Joey. I've always been there. I'd never leave you."

"Please don't do this," Joey begged.

She wanted Fiona to at least retain her dignity.

"Please don't do _this," _Fiona replied.

* * *

Charlie and Ruby arrived back at Charlie's house and sank onto the couch together.

"What the hell the just happened?" Ruby asked, bewildered by the whole thing.

"He nosed through my phone," Charlie replied.

Why did she need to explain? Ruby had been there. She already knew.

"Who's Patricia?" Ruby asked. "Was he right? Are you...?"

She trailed off with raised eyebrows.

"What?"

"Are you seeing...?"

"No!" Charlie said quickly. "Patricia's my therapist! Do you think I'm some kind of sex addict or something?"

Ruby apologised. Charlie countered with an apology of her own.

"Did therapy not go well?" the school girl asked worriedly.

She had hoped that Charlie might make some kind of breakthrough but alas, it looked like it was not to be.

"It was..."

Charlie struggled with how she ought to describe it.

"It was proof that I'm a hopeless case," she said. "And that there is no way I could make things work with Angelo."

Ruby sighed. She hadn't been terribly impressed when Charlie and Angelo had got together but over time, she had got her head around it. And she thought Angelo was good for her. She needed someone to love her completely and he seemed to do that. He even wanted to move in with her. He wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. Not many girls could boast that their men loved them too much.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because I'm in love with someone else."

* * *

"I can't believe you're doing this to me," Fiona said as she chased Joey around the house.

They'd argued and now Joey was packing up her belongings in a bid to move out and try her luck back in Summer Bay. Suddenly Fiona made a grab for her and pushed her against the wall, holding her in place, leaning in and shouting.

"You're fucked up, do you know that?"

Joey stared right back at her.

"I know," she said seriously. "That's what I'm trying to fix."

She pushed her way out of Fiona's grip, slung her bag on her back and picked up two suitcases. Every time she ran away and moved house, she was sad to see just how few things she had. It didn't seem to represent much of a life. Fiona followed her out to the car.

"You're seriously running out on me?" she demanded.

Joey put her stuff in the boot and closed it. She took a deep breath and apologised. The last thing she had ever wanted was to hurt Fiona but if she didn't love her and didn't think she ever could, what was the point of them staying together? Surely a relationship was intended to go somewhere?

"Don't think you can come back home when this all explodes in your face," Fiona warned.

"I know I can't," Joey confirmed.

They faced each other awkwardly, unsure of how to say goodbye.

"I never meant to hurt you," Joey said honestly. "I'm so sorry."

Fiona turned and stormed back into the house. Joey sighed and climbed into the driver's seat. She started the engine and pulled away from the place she had called home for months.

* * *

"Joey," Ruby realised.

She felt bad for her mother. She'd liked Charlie and Joey together. She'd liked it more than Charlie and Angelo and she had become pretty fond of him. But Charlie had lost her and there was little chance that she'd ever win her back. Nobody knew where she was for starters. Charlie nodded and sank back against the couch.

"But Charlie, she's gone..."

"I know," Charlie said hotly. "Hence being a hopeless case. Angelo can love me as much as he wants, he can want me and need me but I could never commit to him the way he wants me to because he's not the person I want to be with."

Ruby reached out to hug her.

"Do you think, if you got another chance, you could commit to Joey?" she asked.

Charlie nodded.

"Then why couldn't you before?"

"Because it was too much too soon," Charlie said. "I fell for her so quickly and it was the most confusing time of my life. I have never ever been into women. I've never even checked a girl out in the changing rooms before! But then I fell crazily in love with Joey and... everything was so confusing. I was still trying to get my head around everything when people kept calling me gay and queer. And I couldn't cope because I didn't have a defence. I hadn't got the first clue what to say or how to feel because I didn't know what it meant for me. I couldn't..."

She took a deep breath.

"So I completely let her down. At a time when she needed me most. And I know she'll never come back. I know she'll never forgive me. But as much as I tried to pretend they had, my feelings didn't go away just because she did."

Ruby nodded sympathetically.

"She shouldn't be too hard to find, you know," she said brightly.

Charlie looked confused.

"You're a cop, Charlie," Ruby pointed out. "It shouldn't be difficult to track her down if you wanted to."

"I can't use my job for my own means," Charlie said quickly, although the same thought had crossed her mind several times when they had first broken up.

All the while she had been with Angelo, he'd been a welcome distraction. She had never forgotten about Joey but while she was dating someone new, a guy, a cop, a friend, it was easy to pretend that she didn't still love her. Each of the many times she and Angelo had split, Charlie had been awash with thoughts of Joey. She hadn't quite brought herself to delete her number and she'd nearly called or texted several times. And she'd got as far as typing her name into the database but deleted it before she could give in and press enter.

"And there's no point anyway," Charlie added. "She's probably wondering why she ever fell in love with me in the first place. There's zero chance that she still loves me now."

* * *

Two hours later, Joey was still driving and getting tired. She kept thinking about Charlie and panicking about what she would find when she arrived in Summer Bay. A woman as beautiful as Charlie was unlikely to stay single for long and Joey's heart broke prematurely at the thought of her being in a happy relationship with someone else, able to give them everything she couldn't give Joey. On more than one occasion, Joey wondered if she was making a terrible mistake. Had she ever really meant anything to Charlie at all? She'd told her she loved her and then slept with someone else. How true could their love have been? Sighing heavily, Joey turned up the radio and sang along loudly with the windows down. She had to do whatever she could in order to stop herself from over-thinking things. If Charlie was happily in love with some guy, or maybe even a girl but Joey doubted it, then she would at least know there was no future for them. And if she knew where Charlie stood and things weren't left so wide open, perhaps Joey could finally move on the way she'd meant to do in the first place.

* * *

Charlie dropped Ruby back at home and headed into work, having allowed her not to go back to school for the afternoon. She hated night shifts at the best of times and now that she was at the station, she couldn't stop remembering the night shift she'd been forced to take on the night that Joey had found out about her and Hugo. If only she hadn't had to work, perhaps they could have talked and work things out. Perhaps then, Joey wouldn't have needed to get as far away from her as possible. Sitting at her desk, Charlie wondered where Joey was now and what she was doing. How differently might life had turned out if Charlie hadn't made such a terrible mistake. She opened up the database and began typing her name but jumped when the door opened. Closing the application quickly, Charlie looked up to find Angelo in their shared office.

"Hey," he said softly.

She ignored him and began to tackle her paperwork.

"Charlie, look, I'm really sorry about before."

She continued to ignore him.

"Charlie?" he said, leaning over her desk.

She kept her head down, desperate to block him out.

"I shouldn't have snooped," he said. "I'm just so in love with you that I can't even think straight. I need you, Charlie. I want to be with you. And the thought of you going off with someone else..."

Charlie stood, grabbed her keys and bag and exited the room. She told her colleague on the reception desk that she was going to patrol.

* * *

As the evening began to draw in, Joey stopped a few towns away from her destination. She was tired and felt rather grubby so she thought stopping overnight would help. She could at least try and get a good night's sleep and then show up on Charlie's door fresh faced and ready to deal with whatever would happen. Lugging her stuff out of the car, she headed into the reception of the small hotel and booked a room with her credit card.


	14. Chapter 14

_Hope you like the chapter. Thank you all so much, as ever, for your reviews and theories! There were so many ways to go with this so I hope you like what I chose. IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Fourteen**

The next day was Charlie's much longed for day off. She was exhausted and couldn't help but wonder if and when life might calm down. She felt like she'd hardly caught a break since she was a teenager, ever since that horrific day that Grant had raped her and made her pregnant. She'd stormed through her teenage years trying to be an incredible sister to Ruby instead of the mother she'd wanted to be. She'd charged through the ranks at work and experienced tumultuous affairs and relationships. Then she'd arrived n Summer Bay in a fit of rage against her Dad, fallen for Roman, got her heart broken, nearly drowned, bedded Angelo, discovered her father had Alzheimer's, sent Angelo to prison, fallen in love with Joey, slept with Hugo, fallen for Angelo again, dealt the fallout from Ruby and Grant, nearly been sent to prison, lost Angelo a thousand times and now she was facing losing him forever. She was still hurting and feeling betrayed by his actions the day before and that he could be so sneaky worried her. It made her unsure of whether she could trust him. She'd gone to therapy to try and heal her commitment phobia and in theory, she'd meant to resolve it to be with him. But the therapy had confused her and now she didn't think she wanted to be with anyone who wasn't Joey Collins. Sighing heavily, she leant back on the couch, watching mindless television. She picked up her phone and scrolled down to the letter J in her phonebook. Joey's name teased and tempted her mercilessly. She wondered if it was even her number anymore. And if she rang, would Joey still have her number stored or would she had deleted it in the time they had been apart? And if Charlie's name did flash up on screen, would Joey even answer? So many times, she'd started and stopped looking for her at work, although she hadn't told Ruby that. Joey's life could be on file right in front of her but all this time, she'd resisted. It was getting harder. She tossed her phone aside and sighed heavily, wondering yet again how she had ended up in this place.

* * *

Joey packed up her miniscule belongings and checked her reflection in the mirror. She was wearing black jeans and red, sleeveless top. Her hair was loose and her make-up carefully applied. She wasn't anywhere near Summer Bay yet, she was still in her hotel an hour away, but her nerves were already driving her crazy. Grabbing her bags, she headed down towards the reception in order to check out and get on her way.

* * *

Feeling restless, Charlie had gone for a bath and was now wrapped in her bathrobe with a bit fluffy towel round her head. In her bedroom, she began to pick out fresh clothes and hummed to herself as she did so. Settling on skinny, black trousers and a fitted, grey t-shirt and leaving her feet bare, she began to towel and then blow dry her hair. In the bath, she had decided that tomorrow at work, she was going to break the rules and look Joey up. If anything, it would be nice to know that she was okay. Now, she was musing over what she should say to Angelo. While he knew she was angry with him right now, she was sure that he retained the hope that she would get back with him and if she was sure of anything right now, she knew that wouldn't happen. She didn't want to be with Angelo anymore. If she couldn't commit to him even without any of the complications she'd had with the likes of Joey, then there was something wrong. She sighed, thinking about Joey again. She was still wondering if she ought to call her. It seemed like the right time, as if the way she was constantly on her mind now, was the universe's way of telling her to get in touch. Shaking her head and continuing to dry her hair, Charlie laughed at herself. The notion was ridiculous. As much as she would love to be with Joey, she doubted anyone else was terribly fussed about it.

* * *

Joey exhaled loudly as she passed the familiar _Welcome to Summer Bay _sign. She could hardly believe that she was really here. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest and her hands began to shake. Driving along the coast, she decided to take a little tour. She drove past the Diner and the Surf Club. The Diner looked surprisingly different although the Surf Club remained the same as she remembered. She admired the beach; the golden sand and the gentle waves of the sea that told her she was home. Turning in a circle, she headed down by the docks and looked at all the trawlers and the wharf where she had first realised that Charlie may just be ready to be with her. They'd both been working and Charlie had told her she had a broken heart. Joey's heart had been broken then too, although she'd had no idea at the time just how bad things would get. She felt a twinge of sadness as she drove past her old house but she refused to slow down. She and Brett vaguely kept in touch but she couldn't help but hold him responsible for her heartache. If only he had left them alone, perhaps she and Charlie might have had a chance. Ploughing ahead, Joey took in the sights of the town before pulling over at the end of the street Charlie lived on. She cut the engine and then, with shaking hands, she pulled out of her phone. She scrolled down to Charlie's name and wondered if she ought to call first. Was it rude to just show up? What if she wasn't home? It was likely. Charlie was always at work or out and about. Or what if she had her boyfriend with her? What if Joey interrupted Charlie's bliss? _You're going to interrupt whatever she's doing, _Joey reminded herself. _That's just a risk you have to take. _Joey dumped the phone on the passenger seat and drove onwards.

* * *

Charlie studied her phone one more time and then dumped it on the bed, making her way into the kitchen to make herself a snack. She was feeling unusually restless and hardly knew what to do with herself. Rummaging around the kitchen, she began to make a sandwich and a coffee, deciding that once she'd eaten, she'd go for a walk and clear her head, hoping she wouldn't run into Angelo. If she wound up at work and checking Joey's file, so be it.

* * *

Joey closed her eyes and counted to ten when she pulled up outside her former home. She climbed out of her car and locked up, tentatively approaching the house. Charlie's car was in the drive. They'd created a lot of good memories in that car. She couldn't help but smile to herself at the thought. Moving closer, Joey halted abruptly. Through the kitchen window, she could see Charlie. Even with her back to her, she was beautiful. Her long, dark hair cascaded down her back and her clothes clung in all the right places. Checking her own clothes one more time, Joey moved forward and knocked on the door.

* * *

Inside the kitchen, Charlie paused just as she was about to pour her coffee. She'd been interrupted by a knock on the door. Worrying that it was Angelo, Charlie tried to steel herself for a confrontation. Her eyes widened and her heart raced as she opened up and realised that it was none other than Joey Collins standing in front of her.


	15. Chapter 15

_I'm feeling positive and generous so here is your next chapter, as people asked so nicely. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Fifteen**

"Joey!" Charlie gasped, hardly daring to believe that she was really in front of her.

Joey smiled awkwardly. She was shaking with nerves.

"Hi," she said. "I hope you don't mind me showing up, I..."

She didn't know what to say but Charlie was quick to reply. Suddenly the police officer found that she couldn't stop smiling.

"Of course I don't!" she said. "Come in..."

She stepped back but then frowned when Joey didn't move. Her ex-girlfriend swallowed and took a deep breath.

"Look, I know I have absolutely no right to say this to you but I... I have to tell you something," she ventured.

Charlie nodded uncertainly, worried that she was about to get the tirade of abuse she was sure she deserved.

"I'm still so in love with you that I can't seem to move on," Joey said.

She gazed just past Charlie and into the kitchen, unable to quite meet her eye.

"And I'm sure you've found someone else and you're happy without me and everything but I just needed to tell you how I felt and then maybe when you reject me I can..."

Charlie moved forward quickly. She captured Joey's lips with her own, fuelling it with even more passion than they had ever had. Their hearts raced as their lips crushed against each other. Joey's hands wound their way into Charlie's hair and Charlie held onto Joey's body tightly, pressing them close together. Both women were blushing when they forced themselves to part.

"You kissed me!" Joey managed, licking her lips and gazing directly at Charlie.

"Did you mind?" Charlie asked a little nervously.

Joey shook her head. She hadn't dared to allow herself to believe that Charlie might actually still care for her. The notion that she did made her feel faint with elation. Charlie took her hands and led her inside. There was so much to talk about and yet all Charlie wanted to do was fall into her arms, demonstrate exactly how much she loved her, needed her and wanted to be with her. She forced herself to take a breath, not wanting to rush things. She felt like if she made some wrong move, Joey might vanish into oblivion right in front of her eyes.

"Can I get you a drink?" Charlie offered.

"Thanks," Joey said. "A..."

"Mango juice?" Charlie asked.

Joey smiled, touched that she remembered. Charlie smiled back and opened up the fridge.

"I started drinking it after you left," she explained, pouring two glasses.

She handed one over and led the way into the lounge. Sitting on the sofa together, both women's heads were reeling.

"I can't believe you're here," Charlie admitted. "I was just... I've been thinking about you and..."

"I've been thinking about you too," Joey said. "Obviously."

Suddenly she felt very stupid but Charlie's warmth comforted her.

"I uh... I started going to therapy," Joey admitted.

Charlie's eyes widened in surprise.

"What?" Joey worried.

"Nothing," Charlie said. "It's just that... I have too."

"You?"

Charlie nodded.

"I was trying to work out why I stuff up all my relationships," she explained. "And I realised that I... I never got over you. I realised that I wouldn't have a commitment problem if it was you I was committing to."

Joey couldn't help but beam at her. She could hardly believe that this was really happening.

"I pretty much came to the same conclusion," she said. "I was... I was dating someone and... and I couldn't open up to her. I didn't tell her anything about Robbo or you or my family or anything at all. I went to therapy to try and unlock myself, become a healthier, happier person but... but I realised that the only person I have and could ever love whole heartedly was you."

They smiled shyly at each other. Charlie put her glass down and tentatively reached her arms out. Joey put her glass down and allowed Charlie to hold her. Settling themselves against each other, they held hands.

"What have you been doing since I left?" Joey asked.

She rested her head on Charlie's shoulder and gazed up at her face, drinking in her every feature. She was even more beautiful that she remembered. Charlie exhaled loudly, wondering where on earth she ought to start. Joey shifted, still holding her hands and looked worried.

"You know that thing I told you..." Charlie ventured.

Her voice was shaking a little.

"You know about what happened to me and... and about Ruby..."

Joey nodded. After Joey had told her everything about Robbo, Charlie had told her what she had experienced as a teenager. It had been one of the many things that had bonded them. They'd felt safe that the other knew what they were going through.

"Well, everyone knows now," Charlie said. "Ruby knows. She moved out. But we're back on talking terms now."

"Oh, Charlie..." Joey said compassionately.

She leant in closer and hugged her.

"The guy... he came back into our lives and... and now my Dad's facing trial for murder and..."

Tears escaped her without permission. Joey hugged her tighter and gently wiped away her tears with her thumbs. She leant in a little closer. They kissed tenderly. It felt so good to be this way with each other again. It felt right. Suddenly neither could understand why they weren't preparing to celebrate the year anniversary that would soon be coming up. Charlie sighed heavily.

"When I realised you weren't coming home, I started seeing someone," Charlie admitted.

Joey nodded and cursed herself for worrying that Charlie was still dating him. She convinced herself that Charlie would never cheat again, especially not with Joey. She'd know that Joey would hate it.

"We split up a few weeks ago," Charlie said. "I mean, we've broken up and got back together loads of times but this time it's for good."

"What happened?" Joey asked.

"The commitment thing," Charlie said. "He wanted us to move in together and he started planning a future with marriage and kids and stuff and I didn't want it. I wanted to just keep seeing him the way we had been. It was... it was nice. But it wasn't enough for him. He told me I sabotaged all my relationships and he's right. He wanted to work through it. I decided to break up with him. And we've been friends since but... but yesterday Ruby found him looking through my phone. He thought I was seeing someone else but I wasn't. I was having counselling."

"In order to be able to be with him?" Joey asked.

"In order to be able to be with anyone," Charlie said. "He was right about me always messing things up. I do. But he's not the person I want to be with."

She gazed lovingly at Joey.

"You're the person I want to be with," she said.

Joey smiled and stroked Charlie's hair. Charlie smiled and leant closer for a kiss. After they had somewhat reluctantly parted, Joey took a deep breath.

"What about the whole gay thing?" she asked. "People labelling you? Talking about you?"

"After the year I've had, I really don't care," Charlie told her.

Joey couldn't help but smile.

"Since you left, I've been hit by a car, nearly lost Ruby, come face to face with my rapist, nearly been shot and dumped overboard a boat..."

"What?" Joey squeaked.

Charlie sighed. She didn't really want to say Hugo's name but it was necessary.

"It turns out that Hugo was involved in a people smuggling organisation," Charlie explained.

She noticed the way Joey looked down at the mention of his name.

"Angelo and I were involved in bringing him down and I... well, I nearly got killed in the process."

Joey hugged her.

"Hugo's dead now," she said.

Joey resisted the urge to say 'good'. She just held onto Charlie and kissed her again. She stroked her face and asked her if she was okay.

"I am now," Charlie said. "I had nightmares for a while but I'm dealing. And I know he can't hurt me again so..."

They smiled at each other.

"You really have been through a lot," Joey said. "I feel really boring!"

Charlie chuckled.

"What have you been up to?" she asked, leaning back against the couch cushions and pulling Joey with her.

"I went on the long haul for three months," Joey said. "I was heading home but I just... I couldn't."

She felt guilty but Charlie assured her that it was okay.

"I understand," she said. "I don't blame you for leaving me after what I did. I'd hate me too."

"I never hated you, Charlie," Joey told her. "I just didn't feel strong enough to risk having my heart broken again."

Charlie nodded glumly and leant back further so that she was almost horizontal. Joey moved with her and smiled when Charlie kissed the top of her head.

"I signed another contract for another few months and then started a new life in another beach town. I gave evidence via video link for the trial."

Charlie nodded. She'd been aware of it. She'd forced herself not to look Joey up but had been glad that Robbo had been put away.

"And I'd started dating a girl called Fiona," Joey said. "I moved out yesterday and came here."

Charlie cuddled up closer and ran her hand up and down Joey's back, making them both tingle.

"I can't believe you actually want to be with me."

Charlie sat up, guiding Joey with her.

"I always wanted to be with you," she said. "I'm just the biggest screw up in the world and I lost you. But I've loved you as long as I've known you, Joey. And I have missed you so much I can't even explain it."

Joey blushed. The kissed gently, exploring each other and letting their hands roam over each other's bodies. With her heart still beating wildly and only increasing with time, Charlie carefully guided Joey back into the other corner of the sofa so that she was almost lying down. She continued to kiss her as she moved to cover her body with her own. Joey wrapped her arms around her, stroking her back and hair as Charlie continued to take her breath away. Charlie moved her lips away from Joey's mouth and onto her neck. Her hand slipped upwards and tentatively cupped Joey's breast. She was thrilled to elicit a quiet moan from her as they began to get to know each other again. Charlie returned her mouth to Joey's, parting her lips gently and letting their tongues play.

"Charlie, I'm really sorry about before..."

The girls sprang apart, flushed and awkward as Angelo towered over them, looking heartbroken and confused.

"What's going on?" he asked.


	16. Chapter 16

_This is the penultimate chapter of this story. I'm so pleased with people's reactions and the way you seem to so readily and happily take each fic into your hearts. You're all so lovely and your words really mean the world to me._

_Also, drowningnotwaving and I have collaborated on another story called "Still" and we've named ourselves ijustkeepwaving. We toyed with a few other ideas but settled on that! My wonderful fanfic colleague has written the first four chapters and I have written the rest. It's a particularly dark story, just to warn you but as ever, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel. We hope you like it! Love, IJKS xx_

**Chapter Sixteen**

"Angelo..." Charlie managed.

She awkwardly extracted herself from Joey's arms and sat up, feeling flushed, guilty and embarrassed. Angelo stared between them.

"Is this Patricia?" Angelo asked bitterly.

"Patricia?" Joey squeaked, raising her eyebrows at Charlie.

"This is Joey," Charlie anxiously to Angelo.

She'd explain Patricia later. She still didn't want Angelo to know about it.

"Right," he said, nodding. "I should have known. The love of your damn life!"

Joey tried not to feel pleased. It was an inappropriate moment to smile. Whether this guy was her competition or not, Joey knew only too well what it was like to discover that the woman you loved was with someone else. At least for Angelo there wasn't an overlap. Or at least, Joey hoped there wasn't.

"Was I just a filler then?" Angelo demanded, gripping the back of the couch and trying to control his emotions.

"No," Charlie said, standing up. "But I..."

She didn't know what to say. If she was too nice to Angelo then she risked hurting Joey and she couldn't bear to lose her again. She didn't think her heart could take another break.

"You know Charlie and I have been dating since you left her?" Angelo said to Joey.

"After I knew you weren't coming back," Charlie said quickly. "I waited."

Angelo laughed bitterly. Charlie apologised but it was true. She had waited three long months for a chance to prove her love for Joey but the deckhand hadn't returned. And then, what with Ruby growing up too fast and getting ready to sleep with Xavier, Charlie had panicked and fallen into bed with Angelo. She hadn't meant for it to turn into a relationship. She'd still hoped that Joey would return one day. But things had developed and they'd dated until recently. And now that Joey was back, there was no contest. She realised, as she stared between them, that her heart had always held out for Joey, even during her relationship with Angelo.

"So, that's it?" Angelo asked her. "We're over just like that?"

"We've been over for weeks," Charlie pointed out.

"But I thought... I thought..."

He'd hoped that if he gave her enough time, space and friendship that she might change her mind and be with him again. He hadn't included Joey's return into his reckoning.

"I'm sorry," Charlie said sincerely.

Joey remained quiet. Angelo turned to look at her. He could clearly see what Charlie was so attracted to. She was strikingly beautiful. In a different situation, he might well have enjoyed the idea of Charlie and Joey together. It was a popular male fantasy of course, especially with both women being so stunning.

"Good luck," Angelo said to Charlie. "She has a problem with commitment. But then, you already know that."

Charlie blanched. If Joey was wounded, she didn't react.

"The whole reason we split up was because she wouldn't move in with me," Angelo continued. "She can't bear the idea of being with someone properly. So, yeah, good luck. I give it six months maximum."

He glared at Charlie.

"That's your record, isn't it?"

Charlie swallowed.

"I'm ready to commit now," she said quietly to Joey.

Her girlfriend smiled at her but resisted the urge to reach out.

"Very nice," Angelo said. "You can commit to her but not to me. Thanks a lot."

Charlie apologised yet again. She didn't want to hurt him. Aside from rooting through her phone and being a little selfish, he hadn't done anything wrong. She just couldn't help the fact that she loved Joey more than life itself. She felt the need to tell her that, rise up in her throat but she kept it there. She didn't want to make any more of a mess than she was already in. Angelo looked at Charlie one last time before he turned and left, yelling at her to have a nice life. Deflated, Charlie sank back against the couch. She buried her face in her hands and closed her eyes. She hadn't wanted Angelo to be hurt and she dreaded to think what Joey thought of her now. She was so lovely and so loving. She couldn't bear for people's feelings to be hurt. Silently, Charlie waited for judgement and rejection. She'd been so close to getting her back and now she was sure she'd lost her.

"Are you okay?" Joey asked softly.

Charlie shook her head and kept her face covered. Joey shifted and gently tugged on Charlie's arms in order to pull her hands away from her face.

"Are you having second thoughts?" she asked worriedly.

Charlie stared at her in disbelief.

"What?" she asked. "No! No, of course I'm not. Joey, I'm in love with you. I always have been and nothing will ever change that. I just thought..."

"Thought what?" Joey asked.

"That you wouldn't want to know me anymore after... that."

She sighed and looked unhappy. A smile teased Joey's lips as she pulled Charlie into a hug.

"I love you too," she said. "I came all this way. I left my girlfriend. I forgave you for Hugo. I think I can get over you hurting your ex-boyfriend's feelings."

Charlie smiled and gazed up at her.

"Besides, I'm kind of glad that you chose me."

Her smirk made Charlie laugh.

"How could I ever want to be with anyone but you?" Charlie wondered.

Joey leant in and kissed her. They held each other as Charlie pulled Joey onto her lap. Joey straddled her and kissed her again.

"Is this it now?" she asked.

Charlie looked puzzled.

"Are you and I together? For real? Forever?"

Charlie nodded.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Joey."

"What about the commitment problems?"

"They're gone," Charlie said.

Joey tilted her head to one side curiously.

"How can you be so sure?" she asked.

"Because if I was having doubts, I would have had them by now. As much as I loved you the first time round, I was so scared of everything. I was afraid of what people would think and say. I wanted to be strong enough to stand up and tell the world that I loved you. But I was weak and I wrecked everything. I'm so sorry for all that, Joey... for everything."

Joey stroked her face and listened.

"But I'm ready now," Charlie said. "If you still want me."

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't want you," Joey said. "And look!"

She gestured to how intimately they were holding onto each other.

"Here I am," she said.

They kissed again for a very long time.


	17. Chapter 17

_Here is the final chapter of this story. It's pure fluff now! They are all reunited and happy. Hooray! I hope you like it. I'm posting it up tonight because I am out in London tomorrow... seeing... yep, you guessed it – Wicked. I fear I may have a problem. Anyway, here is the last chapter of this story and I will be posting the first chapter of the next one fairly immediately. But nothing tomorrow so enjoy tonight and I will be back with you tomorrow. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Seventeen**

Feeling a little shy, Charlie made eye contact with Joey. She stood up, holding her partner's hands and guided her to her feet. Kissing her one more time, Joey allowed Charlie to lead her into the bedroom she knew so well. At the door, they kissed again with even more passion than before. Charlie led Joey to the bed and sat on the edge of it. Joey kicked the door shut and came to straddle Charlie's lap. She gazed into her eyes for several long moments before moving in to kiss her again. Charlie's lips were so soft and so beautifully familiar. Touching them sent shivers through her soul and she felt like she never wanted this bliss to end.

"I love you," she whispered.

Charlie beamed at her, elated as if it was news.

"I love you too," she said, drawing their lips back together again. "I love you so much."

Joey eased her back so that Charlie was lying down. Their lips remained together as they made themselves comfortable. Joey's hand tentatively began to stray. She ran her fingers from Charlie's cheek, along her collarbone, over her chest and down to her hip. She then ascended upwards again. Charlie wrapped her arms around Joey's slender body, holding her close and never wanting to let her go. Sitting up a little, Joey began to tackle Charlie's shirt buttons. She gently kissed each area of flesh she successfully exposed. Her heart was racing at the thought of seeing Charlie naked again. It had been a long time that she'd been left with just memories. She undid the last button and gazed back up at Charlie's face.

"Are you sure?" she checked.

Charlie nodded and stroked Joey's hair. She shifted herself up onto the elbows in order to assist Joey in removing her shirt. Joey couldn't help but smile as she admired Charlie in her bra and trousers. She reached out and ran her hands through the thin, lacy fabric of Charlie's underwear and felt her responding beneath her touch. Both of them smiled shyly at each other. Charlie tugged at the hem of Joey's top and lifted it off, tossing it to the floor and appreciating the way Joey looked in the same state of undress. She cupped her breasts and pulled at the straps, pulling the garment down. Joey complied by reaching behind herself and unhooking it. The material dropped onto Charlie's abdomen. The police officer's hands immediately began to roam. Joey's body was even more beautiful than she remembered and she'd pretty much committed her to memory. She stroked her skin, paying close attention to the peaks of her breasts, wanting to play and bring as much pleasure as possible. She was lost for words as she admired her, wondering how she'd ever thought something could be wrong with this. How could she never have realised how beautiful women and women's bodies could be? How could she ever have freaked out over wanting to be with someone so incredible? She smiled as Joey blushed, knowing it was the way she was looking at her. Charlie sat up with Joey's help. Her mouth descended immediately onto Joey's left breast. She ran her tongue over her, taking her in and enjoying the way she moaned. All the while, she ensured that Joey's right breast was not left unattended. Joey threw her head back, thrusting herself further into Charlie's mouth, wanting to give her everything she had as heat surged through her and her desire to have Charlie completely began to take over. She reached around and undid the clasp of Charlie's bra, pushing both that and her own out from in between them. They pressed their chests together, running their hands over the bare skin of each other's backs and kissed tenderly in the glory of the afternoon sun dancing through the window.

"You're so beautiful," Charlie managed when they parted.

The situation felt so unreal. She could hardly let herself believe that this was really happening. She kissed her again and used her hips to nudge Joey onto the mattress. Lying on her side, Charlie kissed her neck and collarbone. She massaged Joey's breasts with her tongue as her hands carefully worked the button and zip on her jeans. She kissed her lips again and hauled herself off the bed in order to remove the denim. Dumping Joey's jeans, Charlie took a moment to admire her, lying flat on her back in nothing but underwear. Sinking to her knees, she parted Joey's legs and wiggled in between them. Joey blushed as she felt herself becoming hotter and wetter. Her need to be touched by Charlie and to touch Charlie in return was becoming overwhelming. Charlie leant over and kissed Joey's toned tummy, just below her belly button. She trailed kisses further down until she reached the top of her pants. With slightly trembling fingers, Charlie guided the item down, smiling at how obviously aroused Joey was. She parted her legs a little further, becoming more and more excited by the moment as she flicked her tongue against her. Joey gasped at the touch and parted her legs a little more as Charlie nuzzled down between them, running her tongue over every delightful contour. Charlie's concentration was solely focussed on bringing Joey to climax. She was desperate to make her as happy and satisfied as possible. She wanted to give her a reason to love her again, to trust her, to need her. It took a surprisingly short amount of time for Joey to orgasm. She cried out and arched her back as waves and waves of pleasure cascaded over her. Falling back against the bed, she gasped for air. Charlie kissed her inner thighs and then let her mouth travel back up her body until she reached Joey's open mouth. She snuggled into her, holding her and enjoying the way she struggled to calm down.

"Welcome home," Charlie whispered.

Joey grinned and stroked Charlie's hair. She had always loved her hair. She gazed into her face, feeling like she fell more deeply in love with her every time they touched.

"I'm glad to be home," she said. "Nowhere on earth is better than being in your arms."

Charlie looked down shyly. Joey tilted her face back up and kissed both cheeks. She guided her onto her back, leaning over her as she carefully and slowly undid her trousers, thrilled to be given the chance to make love to the woman she adored. She had never thought there would be a chance for them again. It made her heart soar to be so close to her, to know for sure that she loved her more than anyone in the world. Joey slipped Charlie's underwear down with her trousers. She marvelled at the sight before her and then moved down between her legs. She stroked her gently, enjoying the softness and obvious excitement. Gently, she entered her. Charlie gasped a little and clutched the covers as Joey's fingers penetrated her at just the right speed and with just the right depth to drive her wild. Joey enjoyed giving as much as she had enjoyed receiving and watched as Charlie began to writhe beneath her. She lowered her head and flicked her tongue over her clitoris. Charlie moaned louder as her level of pleasure doubled. She continued to work as Charlie's movements increased beneath her before she finally came. Charlie flopped back onto the bed and Joey gently withdrew from Charlie's body. She came to lie beside her girlfriend, taking the time to kiss the breasts she so adored. Their naked bodies held on tightly to each other as they hugged on top of the blankets. Kissing fervently, Charlie repeated over and over again that she loved her.

"You mean more to me than I could ever tell you," she said. "I can't believe I actually have you back."

Joey smiled.

"You'd better believe it," she said affectionately. "I gave up a whole life in order to tell you that I loved you. I'm here. And I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

Charlie smiled and kissed her again.

"That works for me," she said.


End file.
